Проверка эссе Writing Task 2

Наверное, вы заметили, что на главной странице myielts.kz указано, что я ежегодно проверяю более 2000 эссе IELTS и комментирую их качество, а также советую, как их можно улучшить.

Так вот в этой статье я хочу показать пример эссе от студента, который со мной готовился к IELTS и давал мне свои работы на проверку.

Посмотрите на письменную работ со стороны и с точки зрения экзаменатора, чтобы понять, что в этом эссе получилось, а что требует доработки.

Тема эссе следующая:


With the pressure on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 
 
Сначала идет оригинальное эссе, а затем мой разбор по каждому абзацу и составляющим абзацев, общий комментарий, примерная оценка и примерное эссе на эту тему (написанное мной), чтобы сравнить.

 
 

Эссе и его анализ

…и идет пример моего эссе на эту тему:

Whether to remove non-academic disciplines from school syllabi or to make them an integral part of studies is a controversial question that may not have an easy answer. I have a few reasons to show that I agree with the opinion that subjects such as physical education and cookery should remain on the list.
 
To begin with, no one will argue that the academic workload at schools has increased and it is vital to provide school students with much-needed time to relax – this is where non-academic lessons come to rescue. Thus, sports classes, crafts and cooking lessons are very good ways to help students to have mental rest, release stress or stretch their bodies. This is especially important for young generation that is still developing physically to give vent to their energy and emotions.
 
In addition to that, this type of lessons is also necessary as they enhance the students’ life skills and talents. It is a common knowledge that sport helps young people understand the importance of teamwork, set goals and learn the lesson of winning and losing. As for crafts, music and other arts classes, these are intended for discovering and nurturing gifted children who would subsequently choose the arts path in their lives.
 
To conclude, from my perspective, non-academic subjects should never be removed from school curriculum as they make it easy for children to switch from intense academic training to something that can alleviate mental fatigue, prepare for adult life or show their artistic aptitude while they are still young.
 
9 sentences
254 words

 
 

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